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She's got a way about her...

But I know that I can't live without her anyway.

8/2/05 06:17 am - back to work

Why am I up so damm early ?
I'll tell you why- Cousin and a friend and I had cocktail 4 hour around 4pm yesterday. HaHa. Great way to end my weekend. My cousin John came over cause he needed to pick something up , (his dad just died) I feel like I cant be around him- it's such a mess. totally wrecked my buzz.
this weekend was interesting to say the least. Friday night I did nothing. Work on Sat sucked. too much to get into- and honestly I dont even care.
Saturday night we went to Front st. my first time- we drank way too much- I lost adrienne- mm saw a bunch of ppl I knew- and while waiting in line- I saw my (uncles) fiance's daughter's boyfriend. Thought he looked fimiliar- so my drunken ass weny up to him- after asking several questions ans realizing where I knew him from- I turned my head and there was Randy. I dont know what I said to her- and that put a big black cloud above the rest of the evening. It made me so upset to see her. You know he lived with us for 5 yrs- its like I never existed.
Only got like 2 hrs of sleep- went upstate to see ma and the fam. it fucking POURED. HORRIBLY eventhough- stopped @ a gorgeous place...the entire water supply for NYC. Its sooo pretty- even if its man-made. took some pics, got wet and went on my way. I took a 3 hr nap in the fresh country air. woke up- did some fishin' with the uncle. I love him. ate some yummy camping food and sat around the fire- my mom and aunt were talking, my mom was telling me that one of the girls at work just got published. my aunt replied with " well better get to it then, girl.... there's no excuse." I started to think- this thought lasted the hour and a half car ride home. I doubt myself entirely way too much. MAybe I can do this. Maybe I do write- maybe I am a writer. Maybe Definatly I am a photographer. it was a strange firrgen weekend. Here I am goin' back to work. short day today though.

16 days till Atalntic City with Best Friend. Thank God. <3

on a sad note- lost some stuff I wrote. damn computers.

7/24/05 01:37 pm

we got some bad news yesterday... my uncle, and i use the term loosely passed away- i havent seen him in many yrs, he isnt even really my uncle. he lived here with his 2 kids with my mom for 5 yrs. he had his kids on the weekends, after he left we kept seeing them and got really close with my uncle's EX wife. well i guess my mom loved him its like this weird circle his family is very big- my moms best friend is his sister- my moms other best friend is also his sister. when i had first heard i wasnt sad at all. i guess thats what usually happens. my mother was very upset, not only because he died but because her 2 best friends lost their brother. yesterday i had to attend a hs grad party for the daughter of a friend. i always get upset going to these things in the first place- its just further reinforcement of how i feel about my life- well i mean how my mom and my family feels about my life. Sarah- is going to some college in the south- shes going on some drama scholarship. shes smart, and has every opportunity in the world open for her. in the car on the way there me and my mom started talkin about my uncle. and i started getting that feelingin your throat, u know the one you cant stop no matter how hard you try to not make yourself cry.. yea well she was asking me if i was going to the wake/funeral.. i told her i would go and sit in the waiting room thing because i cant be in the room. i didnt go to my godmothers because of this reason. i started to talk to my mom about why. i tried to tell her that its very hard for me because of all the wakes i had been to when i was a child. it upsets me. i told her i knew as soon as i stepped into that room i would loose it. and i started to cry. now everyone who knows me knows im not afraid by any means to show my emotions. but when ppl die i always feel like there are other ppl who should be sadder than me- like if i wasnt the persons wife or kid i shouldnt be crying. im trying to get all of this out of my system before 2morrow= i dont want to walk into that room and loose it. a room full of ppl i havent seen in a few yrs. it makes me feel strange. my aunt called and wanted to know if my mother would bring over some pictures of him-she also asked if i was specificlly coming. i went through the pictures and realized he was a big part of my life for 5 yrs. almost like a second father. then i got even more upset. i just know im going to loose it 2morrow. i hate it and i cant stop it.

someone hug me

7/22/05 10:20 am - We're only liars- but we're the best.

Alright long time no talkie-
I've been like addicted to MySpace for like 2 weeks.
ehh so life hasn't been good. Right now I owe Cellular One $585...
My mom needs me to give her $300 today, and I've got my car payment due on the 28th. That leaves me with enough money for my car- but not enough for my little cell phone. GREAT. Looks like no one will be gettin' me on it. Then I've got this whole Weekend in Atlantic City Aug 20-22 for AB's 21st...then I've got to pay my tuitionso I can register.. another $435
So all in all I'm not having a good day. I'm still in tooth pain- I'm at work for my 11 hour shift today... yea cuz its Friday. Booo fuckin' Hoo
What's up with this bad luck ? It's summer and every one is havin' fun except for me and Amanda.
So much for the best summer of my life.... right ?
I don't know what to do-
either someone give me $585 or kidnapp me please.

6/28/05 11:19 pm - love

To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.
--Bertrand Russell

The most wonderful thing in life is to be delirious and the most wonderful kind of delirium is being in love.
--Yevgeny Zamyatin

Drink to me with your eyes alone … And if you will, take the cup to your lips and fill it with kisses, and give it so to me."
--Flavius Philostratus

I don't want to live--I want to love first, and live incidentally.
--Zelda Fitzgerald

She looked at him, as one who awakes:
The past was a sleep, and her life began.
--Robert Browning

6/24/05 08:46 am - your love is sweet misery

I'm in a shitty ass mood.
Working today from 8-7. Woo fucking Hoo ALONE
My horoscope has the weekend is going to start early and there will be all kinds of group activities.
yea ok.

I came home last night- just wanted to take a little nappie- the turned into many hours of sleeping.
Woke up @ 4 AM. great.
You know- I wish something crazy would happen to me. Too many people think way too much... I need some wild n crazy love thing to happen. I highly doubt it
Sometimes I almost wanna say to myself what the fuck is wrong with you- youre not ugly... why dont you have a man.It's like a curse..
#1 I cant settle
#2 I just can be a skank. where's all the chemistry ?

I think I'm just going to create a boyfriend... pretend he's real then we'll see what happens.


6/23/05 02:50 pm - that kinda lovin'.. turns a man to a slave

I'm listenin' to Aerosmith again...

I want some crazzzyness to happen this weekend.. that would make me wanna sing this song to someone- someone hot.

That kinda lovin'.... makes me wanna pull down the shades..

I go crazy.... I go crazy...yea you drive me crazy...

it sucks to feel so unsatisfied

wishin' someone would call me. cuz im @ work- but hardly workin'

6/23/05 12:14 pm - The shorter story...

I'm stuck in this place that I REALLY hate. I hate working for my car payments and my insurance.. why can't I just have someone to pay my shit for me- I know working is supposed to build charecter and all that bullshit- but by now- I've been working since 16 fulltime for 2 yrs. I think I have enough to last me a while.. until the charecter fairy comes along. Whatever. I am so unsatisfied. I'm sick of all of this. I mean really, what is going on with my life ? Once summer is over- it will go back to me and my micsellaneaous men and Amanda. Yes Amanda... my best friend-- who I haven't spoken to hardcore in about a week. What's this about ? No more fun times after the summer- everyone goes back to school. I'm left here @ this Storage Crap Facility. Which by the way blows. BLOWS. Oh by the way- this is going to be a long one... pause go get a refreshment. ---------
Ok Back=
Yes, I'm 21.. why do I feel like my life is passing me by. I know for a fact I'm better than all of this. All the stupid late nights- and the kisses and the random retarded things that always seem to happen to me. I'm better than this place. (Some people don't think so). I'm not these kids.... I'll never be these kids.. I'm kind of in the middle- mediocre... maybe in some other universe I am destined for greatness but in this one its a little hard to believe. I'm not like them- with the bright and shining futures handed to them- But I'm not like the other kids either. I'm not wasting my entire life in a trailer in washie..birthing many babies. HaHaHa I'm right in the middle. I feel like I've got a purpose- But I've gotta work for it. Is any of this making any kind of sense to anyone ? I don't feel like I'm being true to myself. I'm lying- that's just it. That's this "truth" I've been looking for... I'm lying.
"Oh yea... I write... I'm a photographer... Blah BLah Fucking BLAH.
You know what I am? Just someone who wants those things. And maybe if I stayed still for long enough I'd relaize I can write this. And it will be great. And... maybe if I grab my camera and just get out the door.. I'll remember what I loved about taking pictures in the first place. I love looking at people through a camera lense. It's somehow different than just looking at them.
You know for so long we keep up these images...
whatever they are. Life of the Party. Whore. Nerd. Dork . Bitch. Why don't I just stop- and maybe start being myself again. I see myself sometimes... and Amanda tells me others like the real me than what I pretend to be. And it's gotten so bad- sometimes I don't even know when I'm doing it.
And I don't know why I wrote all of this- I had a panic attack yesterday.. or I don't even know what it was. I felt like my heart was going to burst out of my chest... and I couldn't concentrate... I felt like crying...hysterically. I was nervous- and anxious. I hate that- after it subsided a bit- I just had this continuous nervous feeling. It was horrible- after a while it went away.- and I was fine.

All I can really say is I am soo confused. Confused about me- and about what the fuck I am doing with me.

I'm at work- eating Life cereal- writing this and listening to Damien Rice.
Maybe work isn't so bad.

So... for a hot second- let's chat about gurl stuff. Had a pretty good time with Adrienne last night.
I feel like I'm 15.. but I've got a serious crush on her friend Evan. He's a cutey.. he told me I was pretty... but I don't think he likes me like that. I don't know- I mean I'm trying to hit on him a little- but I dont want to come on too strong. We'll see-

I really just need someone I can tell all this to- ( a male) Sometimes theres no comfort than that of the opposite sex. I miss Love- and I'm sick of playing the Slut Card.

I can't take my eyes off of you--

6/14/05 10:52 am - I gave me away.....and you let me down.

This week was pretty stressful for me, mostly just work. I had to go in on my day off. ( sunday) when I was out with my fam, and for once my mother and I were not fighting. So that really pissed me off. Got my hair cut on Monday... thank god I feel human again, I'd have to say it looks pretty good. Turns out my hair dresser is a photographer as well. I have a hard time calling myself that word, considering I haven't taken a picture in a very long time. I used to carry my camera around- no more. But u know what ? these last few days have been odd... little signs saying Theresa, Click Click me PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Saw Mr. Bucco- HS Photography teacher. He wants me to come in and see his students next year. My horoscopes, saying all this junk about my goals. Maybe it's time. I set all these goals for myself... and I feel like I"m being held back by my job.
I'm in a strange mood- I would love something new-fresh and different.
Where are you ?

There's still a little bit of your face I haven't kissed....

6/8/05 12:22 pm - Need a fill- my nails are lookin bad

You know who is really good? Aaliyah. It's sad she died. I'm listenin to "more than a woman"
I'm hangin out with Kenneth Cole boy later. Why you ask ? I have no clue... bored I guess.
So I had a meeting with Kimberley yesterday. they asked me to stay- damn right. I'm so glad I stood up for myself. It really feels great. I won't be pushed around- by my boss anyway.
I'm @ work right now.. it was a good weekend. Friday was non eventful... Cuz I had to work the next day. Saturday I met mommy for dinner. Then I went home, I was supposed to go to Front Street with Scott, but I went to Adrienne's friends house. I felt bad I ditched Scott- he probably wont hang out with me ever again. :( But yea SAturday evening was fun. Thanks Addggy! Sunday was sooooo bad- I was soo tired from the night before- I did nothing. Watched alot of TV.
I'm so broke- :( Need to start planning Amandas b-day in AC. Yeaaaa I'm broke. but by Aug I should be good. I'm just trying to get used to this car payment, and my new SOOOO expensive car insurance schedule.

I've been in a weird mood lately. I dunno. I wish I could quit work and go to school.

Short entry, cant really say what I want to.

6/3/05 08:41 am - it always seems you got somethin on your mind other than me....

I'm @ work. tired and here for 11 hrs. ALONE. How am I supposed to get lunch ?
I'm so confused right now. I've been "dating" alot lately. and nothing is helping. I'm really out of ideas. I can't find anyone i have a connection with- a sexual connection. sure. I've found that many times these past 2 weeks. But nothing that looks like its going to stay. It just makes me so sad. I'm not saying I want to get married. But come on maybe a little substance. Like actually wanting to know things about me.. instead of just wanting to put his hand up my shirt. And no I am not talking about anyone specificly. It's just in general. I dont know. I feel like you can see it in my face- in my eyes like I have only a few of these left. It feels good to be wanted. And Scott says " think of it as you're gettin' yours for the summer" HaHa I've got mine already. I can't do this forever. right ? Damn I wish I was in this state of mind. But I always think I am then after anything happens I feel like shit. First I feel like a pimp ahahaha then I'm liike Ewwwww what the fuck. I dunno for a chubby chick I get alot of guys. it's weird. maybe I am damn cute afterall.... right ? I need to stop thinking so much- its summer and time for fun fun fun. but I just hate that when the fun is over- I go home and dont have anyone that I want to call so I can hear their voice before I go to sleep.
And you all know I still think about Ken- Amanda had a dream about him. Very strange.
He doesnt even really have a face anymore- hes just memories and feelings and u know I only remember the good memories. I think it was because I knew he loved ME. Forget all the sexual stuff- that went way deeper than sex could ever go- and I guess he's the only one I ever really loved- yea it was fucked up and most relationships are. But at the end of the day- fighting or not fighting I knew he loved me. He loved the way I smiled. and the way I got excited over the littlest things. It's so hard. I'm over him I guess. I'm still in love with the feelings. Just the way I used to feel. and a part of me feels like I need to keep going- weeding thru all these guys till I find some hint of what we had together.

I don't know why I am saying all of this. I really don't. I'm young. relatively attractive- why am I even stressin'?

i'm going to try to just have fun.

This neww kid called me and asked if me and a friend wanted to hang out- so I brought amanda. it was enjoyable. hes a good kisser. and he doesnt mind when I'm mean. hahah Amanda said he's just like me with the mean-ness. its pretty funny. Don't know whats going to happen.
I'm prob stayin in this evening. #1 I'm broke #2 I have to work in the AM
Oooo SAturday is going to be soooooooooo fun. me and adrienne are getting drunk in the parking lot. <3 it.

I'm out.. should start working.

That kinda lovin'.... makes me wanna pull down the shades.
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